I think I may have done something despicable...

My husbands son died last Sunday.  Overdose.   he was 23.  He had drugs problems for years but he had been doing really well for the last year and everyone thought he had turned a corner.  I didn't know him except from overheard conversation with Jem on Sunday afternoons, but I liked him and I am very sad to think that such a smart and funny guy is gone. 
I am also heartbroken for my husband.  No parent should have to bury their child.  He is at the funeral in Penn, USA now, with his family.  Not only have I never met Justin but I don't know any of his family other than his mother and sister slightly, so I would have felt like an intruder at the funeral. Plus I thought there might be a chance that Jem could get to talk to his daughter and hopefully have a civil conversation with his ex wife, something that would have been very awkward with me there. Such a tragic funeral is not the right setting for getting to know your partner's extended family.   

And I know my husband, he will do almost anything to get out of family dramas or emotional conversations and I didn't want him to be able to avoid talking to his family by using me as an excuse to escape them.   Plus it would have increased to cost of an already expensive trip and require me to miss work at a really busy and demanding time.

I looked at all the angles and I truly believed that my presence would have been disruptive in every way so I felt the best course of action was for me not to go.   Of course that practical and sensible assessment of the situation didn't matter one iota when I woke up the morning after Jem left and realised I wouldn't be there to support my husband as he buried his son.

I know I made the right decision, I know my absence will have forced Jem to engage with his family, discuss this tragedy and will ultimately help him to come to terms with the death of his son. Plus I know that the funeral was just the beginning of grief and that when he comes back home I will be able to care for him and love him and help him heal.  

But right now, sitting on my bed in London while Jem is in a car on the way back from putting his child in the ground, I feel like a piece of shit.